Post by arghhh on Nov 5, 2011 1:24:27 GMT -5
There's a lot of fragment sentences in this app as well as punctuation errors, a few run-on sentences, and some typos. It makes it hard to understand because there's no flow. Oh, and if he doesn't have any siblings and extra info and stuff, just say "none" or "N/A" or even delete those sections. Don't leave the explanation text there, please.
Aside from that, where the hell was he before he moved to Chicago? I'm assuming somewhere in the U.K. since his mom's English, but you never outright say. If he is in the U.K., they don't have high school where eleven-years-old can attend; it's called something else as far as I know. Furthermore, you don't mention schooling once he's with his dad, so I'm wondering if he did or didn't go.
About the mafia: what's his position and how did he get it? Saying he's a money launder just doesn't cut it, sorry.
It'd also be nice to know what his life is like now that he's in Chicago. I'll have another look once that's all done.
Newbie
Group: MEMBERS
Posts: 2
Member No.: 16
Joined: 1-November 11
NAME: Dylan Maverick Knight.
NICKNAME: Maverick.
BIRTH DATE: August, Ninth, 1986.
AGE: Twenty-Five.
SEXUALITY: Bisexual.
EYE: Blue.
HAIR: Black/Brown, Medium Short often worn in a rock star quiff. .
HEIGHT/WEIGHT: 6ft 0in [182cm]; 162ibs [73kgs].
PHYSIQUE: Slim but muscular, has both ears pierced, has three stars tattoo'd on upper right arm and love tatoo'd on the underside.Three inch scar on his lower torso. .
SOCIAL STATUS: middle class.
OCCUPATION: Car Salesman/ Money Launderer.
LIKES: Men, Women, Vodka, RoughSex, Sleep
DISLIKES: Early mornings, Techno, Scars, Birds, Snow. .
EXTRA INFO: Anything else you'd like to add.
FATHER: Arkady Ivanov, forty-five, Car dealership owner/money launderer.
MOTHER: Anna Helen Knight, forty, Nurse.
SIBLINGS: Mandy Knight, sixteen, student.
OTHER: Name, age, relation.
MEMBER GROUP: Gangsters.
PLAYBY: Isaac Carew.
Dylan Maverick Knight, got his name from a few things his mother loved. Dylan after Bob Dylan and Maverick after Tom Cruises call sign in TopGun. A movie that came out the year he was born. Knight being the his mother's own maiden name. She did not give him his father's second name because they weren't married.
Dylan Maverick Knight's life was going to be hard from the day the day he was born, that much was clear. Born to a fifteen year old English girl and her twenty year old Russian boyfriend. Dylan grew up on an estate, the English equivalent to a ghetto. They never had much money and things were always tight. At the age of five Dylan's dad left them to go to America, saying he had been offered job there. It was the last time he saw his dad for a long time. The only contact being cards in the post for his birthday and Christmas. His mother tried her best but it was struggle looking after a young boy and trying to study at the same time. It did not help that she went on to give him a bay sister when he was nine.
As a young child Dylan mostly kept to himself but when he started high school at eleven, he fell in with an older crowd. Soon the young boy was being used to move drugs around the estate where he lived, graduating to selling them at fifteen. Along with that he did a few spots of breaking and entering, as well as getting into some serious fights. It was life that was sure to put him on the path to prison before he hit his twenties. Dylan was known as a bit of a bad boy, a player within his gang. His sexual habits were also well known and no-one seemed to bothered about the fact he was bi-sexual. It was a life he was happy living until that one day in august just after his twenty-first birthday. Walking home one night from a nightclub, Dylan and a friend were jumped by a rival gang and stabbed. Dylan was lucky and was only stabbed once before managing to get away and get help. His friend was not so lucky. Dying before help got to him. It left Dylan thinking about his life. In the end he got in contact with his father and moved to Chicago to get away from that life or so he thought.
Dylan's arrival was met with some apprehension on his part. He had not seen his dad since the age of five. When they met on the day he touched down, it was clear they were more a like that either had ever known. The looked the same and pretty much had the same temperament and attitude to life. It seemed his father had a pretty good life, he owned a car dealership and gave his son a job there. It was soon clear that everything was not as it seemed. Dylan noted that a group of Russian men were always coming and going and none of them ever bought a car. Confronting his father he asked what was going on. The truth was something he himself could not quite believe. He was laundering money for the Russian mafia. it was long before Dylan was in on the act. Earning his place, as trusted member of the family. A boy who knew how to survive and deal with certain people. It's safe to say he has moved on up in the world.
Dylan's personality isn't overly complex. He has a quiet confidence that comes across as cocky sometimes. He likes a challenge, especially when it comes to relationships and sex. He loves rough sex, not pain inflicted sex but, having to fight for dominance and having sex whenever, where ever. Dylan will sometimes fall silent when he is group conversation's. It's not because he has nothing to say but because he is observing them and what's going on. He likes to think he is pretty good a reading people. He tends to go with his gut feeling on things. Which can end badly sometimes. So far he was avoided serious injury, not really wanting a repeat of his stabbing. Dylan knows when to keep his mouth shut and when to say what he is thinking. He is pretty loose with his moral's. He loves sex and he isn't to fussy. He just hates clingy people. He likes to hang around the club and have fun with some of the boys but it's not to often as he is normally there because of work.
Aside from that, where the hell was he before he moved to Chicago? I'm assuming somewhere in the U.K. since his mom's English, but you never outright say. If he is in the U.K., they don't have high school where eleven-years-old can attend; it's called something else as far as I know. Furthermore, you don't mention schooling once he's with his dad, so I'm wondering if he did or didn't go.
About the mafia: what's his position and how did he get it? Saying he's a money launder just doesn't cut it, sorry.
It'd also be nice to know what his life is like now that he's in Chicago. I'll have another look once that's all done.
Newbie
Group: MEMBERS
Posts: 2
Member No.: 16
Joined: 1-November 11
NAME: Dylan Maverick Knight.
NICKNAME: Maverick.
BIRTH DATE: August, Ninth, 1986.
AGE: Twenty-Five.
SEXUALITY: Bisexual.
EYE: Blue.
HAIR: Black/Brown, Medium Short often worn in a rock star quiff. .
HEIGHT/WEIGHT: 6ft 0in [182cm]; 162ibs [73kgs].
PHYSIQUE: Slim but muscular, has both ears pierced, has three stars tattoo'd on upper right arm and love tatoo'd on the underside.Three inch scar on his lower torso. .
SOCIAL STATUS: middle class.
OCCUPATION: Car Salesman/ Money Launderer.
LIKES: Men, Women, Vodka, RoughSex, Sleep
DISLIKES: Early mornings, Techno, Scars, Birds, Snow. .
EXTRA INFO: Anything else you'd like to add.
FATHER: Arkady Ivanov, forty-five, Car dealership owner/money launderer.
MOTHER: Anna Helen Knight, forty, Nurse.
SIBLINGS: Mandy Knight, sixteen, student.
OTHER: Name, age, relation.
MEMBER GROUP: Gangsters.
PLAYBY: Isaac Carew.
Dylan Maverick Knight, got his name from a few things his mother loved. Dylan after Bob Dylan and Maverick after Tom Cruises call sign in TopGun. A movie that came out the year he was born. Knight being the his mother's own maiden name. She did not give him his father's second name because they weren't married.
Dylan Maverick Knight's life was going to be hard from the day the day he was born, that much was clear. Born to a fifteen year old English girl and her twenty year old Russian boyfriend. Dylan grew up on an estate, the English equivalent to a ghetto. They never had much money and things were always tight. At the age of five Dylan's dad left them to go to America, saying he had been offered job there. It was the last time he saw his dad for a long time. The only contact being cards in the post for his birthday and Christmas. His mother tried her best but it was struggle looking after a young boy and trying to study at the same time. It did not help that she went on to give him a bay sister when he was nine.
As a young child Dylan mostly kept to himself but when he started high school at eleven, he fell in with an older crowd. Soon the young boy was being used to move drugs around the estate where he lived, graduating to selling them at fifteen. Along with that he did a few spots of breaking and entering, as well as getting into some serious fights. It was life that was sure to put him on the path to prison before he hit his twenties. Dylan was known as a bit of a bad boy, a player within his gang. His sexual habits were also well known and no-one seemed to bothered about the fact he was bi-sexual. It was a life he was happy living until that one day in august just after his twenty-first birthday. Walking home one night from a nightclub, Dylan and a friend were jumped by a rival gang and stabbed. Dylan was lucky and was only stabbed once before managing to get away and get help. His friend was not so lucky. Dying before help got to him. It left Dylan thinking about his life. In the end he got in contact with his father and moved to Chicago to get away from that life or so he thought.
Dylan's arrival was met with some apprehension on his part. He had not seen his dad since the age of five. When they met on the day he touched down, it was clear they were more a like that either had ever known. The looked the same and pretty much had the same temperament and attitude to life. It seemed his father had a pretty good life, he owned a car dealership and gave his son a job there. It was soon clear that everything was not as it seemed. Dylan noted that a group of Russian men were always coming and going and none of them ever bought a car. Confronting his father he asked what was going on. The truth was something he himself could not quite believe. He was laundering money for the Russian mafia. it was long before Dylan was in on the act. Earning his place, as trusted member of the family. A boy who knew how to survive and deal with certain people. It's safe to say he has moved on up in the world.
Dylan's personality isn't overly complex. He has a quiet confidence that comes across as cocky sometimes. He likes a challenge, especially when it comes to relationships and sex. He loves rough sex, not pain inflicted sex but, having to fight for dominance and having sex whenever, where ever. Dylan will sometimes fall silent when he is group conversation's. It's not because he has nothing to say but because he is observing them and what's going on. He likes to think he is pretty good a reading people. He tends to go with his gut feeling on things. Which can end badly sometimes. So far he was avoided serious injury, not really wanting a repeat of his stabbing. Dylan knows when to keep his mouth shut and when to say what he is thinking. He is pretty loose with his moral's. He loves sex and he isn't to fussy. He just hates clingy people. He likes to hang around the club and have fun with some of the boys but it's not to often as he is normally there because of work.